Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Single White Female

A friend of mine asked me to post this for her.

She is a SWF
in search of SM for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Here are a list of her minimum requirements:

  • Male
  • No living relatives
  • Tall—over 6’2” [height requirement will decrease by 1” every two years]
  • Well read but prefers small words
  • Humanitarian
  • Well-respected by all
  • Ethical unless driven to be otherwise & can speak of it poetically
  • Heroic
  • Loyal
  • Intelligent
  • An accent would be nice; no New Yorkers. Brogue is desirable.
  • Sophisticated sense of humor particularly where oneself is concerned
  • Saves lives of people & animals when the opportunity presents itself
  • Does not eat things that I would not want to touch with my hands
  • Good teeth
  • Less spiteful than myself
  • Must love dogs
  • Occupation—variable. But not opposed to making a living.
  • Neat but not persnickety
  • Man’s Man
  • Reads every book as I finish it and then wants to discuss it with me
  • Romantic but not cloying. No holding hands until they sweat.
  • Must write heart stopping love letters
  • Must be able to give the perfect present & gain satisfaction from giving flowers
  • Likes or tolerates Prince, Neil Young, Dwight Yoakum, Al Green, Ray Charles, Merle Haggard. Listening to classical music-OK-but not while wearing a turtleneck
  • Puts toilet seat down without having a philosophical discussion about it
  • Good problem solver
  • Must think I am the best thing that could ever happen to anyone & that I have no traits that need changing
  • Believes that devotion will make one feel more complete
  • Must be interested in my friends and charming in social settings without expecting me to reciprocate.
  • Extremely capable of & entertained by giving me pleasure
  • Can handle and will handle most any household emergency
  • Adequate knowledge of the way things work & able to fix most contraptions: Cars, lawnmowers, toasters, heat, ac, electric, plumbing, dvd/video hookup.
  • Enjoys dry-walling, painting, roof repair, floor stripping, gutter cleaning, mowing, dish washing, laundry
  • Doesn’t look like a freak in hardware stores.
  • Not adverse to household cleanliness
  • Must not be willing to or capable of inflicting heartbreak
  • Must understand what to do with a dirty pair of socks
  • Appreciates a good home cooked meal but does not require it for happiness
  • Loves to cook for me
  • Appalled by domestic violence
  • Must smell good
  • Minimal yelling
  • Has never considered hair plugs or a comb-over or any other type of fake hair
  • No Rockports; no Dockers
  • No patchouli
  • No talking with toothpaste in the mouth
  • Has a penchant for cashmere
  • Must find all my moods charming
  • Loves it when I go shopping and can’t wait for me to come home so we can celebrate the arrival of my new purchases together
  • Must like movies
  • Physically fit without owning spandex
  • No exercise equipment in the living room or bedroom
  • Enjoys travel but prefers nice hotels to camping
  • Minimal body noises
  • No magazines in bathroom
  • Prefer atheist who doesn’t want to talk about it
  • No turtlenecks
  • Enjoys being coached in matters of fashion
  • A truck would be nice.
  • No football or wrestling on TV
  • No marching band music
  • Must not assume that a closed bathroom door is a door waiting to be opened.
  • Works to perpetuate the fantasy that neither of us ever goes into the bathroom for any reason other than to have a shower or become even more attractive
  • Recognized my infallible good taste and appreciates my home decorating
  • No waking up to an alarm clock or talk radio
  • No type A or type C personalities
  • Nothing overly jovial before 10 am
  • No ambiguous sexuality
  • Cuteness not necessary
  • No mullet
  • No visible nose or ear hair
  • No excessive puns
  • Not judgmental
  • No lying but no unpleasant truths
  • No discussions of old girlfriends or old wives
  • Not too ambitious but sufficiently self-reliant
  • No excessive grooming—fewer grooming products than I have
  • No big gut
  • No foot odor
  • No scratching below the belt.
  • No alcoholic or drug addict
  • No know-it-alls even if you know it all

    If you know of anyone who meets these minimum requirements for a long lasting relationship, please send a 3 minute video (compact format) to John Britt and he will present them the SWF for her approval.

John Britt



Dirt-Kicker Pottery said...

That's great!

Linda Starr said...

Hands off, I'm keeping mine.

John Britt said...

That pretty much describes alot of men!

Oy Clay !!! Pottery said...

Yeah, but not on days with a "d" in the name.

John Britt said...


Yes, that was a joke. She perfectly describes the man she wants and then excludes them all.

FetishGhost said...

Hey that's me!Oh wait...Doh! Never mind...