Tuesday, April 1, 2014



The Ceramics Department

 at a local University (Name being withheld until interview process is completed) has posted a job for several full-time lecturer positions starting immediately.

Dates of Position: April 1, 2014 through April 1, 2015 (one year minimum, renewable for up to five years. A life-time appointment is available for superior candidates.)

Application Deadline: Position is open until filled. Priority is given to applications received by Friday, April 1, 2014.

This is a teaching position which is completely funded by The Wingate Foundation, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the Carnege Endowment with a substantial block grant from the NEA. It is designed to provide a struggling ceramic artist a full time salary, housing, full health and retirement benefits as well as a standard 401(k). There will be complete university based studio access, as they make the transition from or between academic settings. Furthermore, the program is intended to allow a ceramic artist the time and space to pursue a body of work in a creative and energetic environment, while enhancing the art program at the University. The accepted artist will teach a maximum of 2 classes a semester with a maximum of 8 specially selected students of impeccable talent and be relieved of all committee assignments. We believe that committee meetings kill the creative process and artists should never even attempt to set foot in board rooms where power point presentations could occur. It is too dangerous to their creative potential..

The University will provide:

• Full moving expenses
• Free unlimited materials and firing in our 5 gas kilns, car kiln, three specially designed anagama kilns (with advance anti-global warming technology).
• Large corner office with full windows allowing a spectacular view of the North Carolina Mountains including Grandfather Mountain and Mt. Mitchell. It has fiber optic broadband internet access and 2,000 ft of storage space
 for awards and honors. A team of 5 secretaries a executive assistants equipped with full time dictation to record your every precious every word as well as positing it 5 times daily to Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Facebook, and all potentially as yet undiscovered social media outlets which will record every minute of your incredible life.
• Studio space in the common 20,000 square foot studio area

• 24-hour/7 days per week access
• A silver Tesla Reserve Model X, with a additional Ford F-150 extended cab for hauling art to shows and galleries
• A Cannondale Black Inc. road bike with full gear and helmet
• Full university privileges including ; free access to workout facility, free reserved parking, library access, etc.
• Free unlimited massage sessions with a two licensed Rolfing therapists with degrees from Rolf Institute of Structural Integration (RISI) as well as relaxation sessions at the Samadhi Tanks, the premiere floatation institute.
•Free yearly membership to the Grovepark Spa with unlimited sessions and warm green tea served in a traditional yumoni thrown by a 75th generation tea master which everyone knows makes it taste a lot better.
• A large-furnished apartment located at a private residence three miles from campus with utilities paid including Wi-Fi (details to be discussed during the interview process).
• A minimum salary of $165,000 per year ( to be paid up front) with the possibility of $25,500 bonus depending on performance.
• A solo exhibition in prestigious New York gallery and their sister gallery in London and Tokyo (details to be discussed during the interview process)

Requirements and application: The only requirement is that the artist be filled with unbridled enthusiasm, naivety, a gargantuan sense of entitlement, self-centeredness and an incurable case of affluenza that is appropriate for a professor of this stature. You must make only "brown round ware" that looks pedestrian in all aspects but is clearly not to any intelligent collector. And you must project yourself with an aloofness and pomposity that exceeds all measures of normalcy. Any hint of reality based self knowledge will immediately be detected by our well trained staff and be cause for dismissal and the return of all payments heretofore. All applicant reviews will be based on portfolio review and individual merit.

For more information contact::
The Professor @ 1-(WTF)- (APR)- ILF-OOLS


Amy Waller said...

The bike is tempting, but no automatic and irrevocable tenure? What kind of rinky dink school is this?

John Britt said...

Bunch of losers!

Nora Thomas said...

this is a GOOD one! well done!